Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Disneyland was great!

We had a fantastic time; the warm weather, meeting up with my brother Chad, being brave riding new rides (Tessa), missing Mark.

It wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be. We were constantly on the go and just really enjoying each other. It was so nice to not worry about a stroller and carrying Lucas around. (Thank you Giles and Pollocks!) We missed him, but we wouldn't have been able to do all we did if he had been with us. The hardest ride to go on without Mark was "Soarin' Over California." He loved that ride and the music is so great. There were definite moments when a lump in the throat and the tears would just come without warning. I really think it was a good thing for the kids and I to do together. We did one new thing that none of us had ever done. We ate at the Blue Bayou - the restaurant in New Orleans Square you see at the beginning of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride. It was good food, but very expensive for 3 picky kid eaters. I wouldn't eat there again, but we can at least say we did it.

The last week has been hard in a different way. I came to the conclusion the other day that grieving is as unpredictable as all the months we went through cancer. You never know from day to day what you'll feel or be able to do. I'm still not getting sleep. I'm staying up way too late and then going on auto pilot all day. Most of my days feel so unproductive. My mind seems to be racing with a million "have to's," "want to's" and "need to's." My body and will seem to want to check out. I don't want to deal with life and all the gross little details. I don't feel like cleaning and cooking. I just want to do stuff with my kids. I don't want to make any more decisions. I need Mark to help me make these decisions, and now I have to do it alone. I can't even pick out a stupid headstone for his grave. I'm realizing that as a married couple you should talk about and write down what you want to do for your kids schooling, missions, weddings, living when they are older. We would talk about it generally, but always thought we'd deal with it when the time came. Unfortunately the time didn't come, and now I'm going to have to make these decisions and hope that they would be what Mark would want as well. I guess I'm just sharing this for all of you who read this. I'm making a strong suggestions that you put down on paper what choices you would make in those types of future decisions. Talking about it and writing down the plan. Even talking about funeral arrangements should it happen unexpectedly. It may seem trivial that I can't just pick a headstone, but it has to be right. I can't return it if I don't like it. Even though I know Mark's not really there, it is still where we go to pay respects and so it is a huge decision.

My, my, my...I have rambled today haven't I. Please don't think I'm in the depths of despair. I'm fine. I do have one last I'd like to share. The spirit has slowly left our home. For months, I could feel it around us all the time. Keeping us strong and embracing us with love and comfort. It's not that I feel abandoned, but it's just a fact that the spirit is not as strong as it once was. That feeling is the hardest to lose. It makes me realize that I need to work even harder to keep it here for me and for the kids. I know how important it is, and it's up to us to make it happen.

I apologize. Writing in here sometimes is difficult. I'm trying to share, but I'm also just venting in a very public but private journal type experience. I'm not even sure I'm making any sense even to myself.

Love each other. Remember "what really matters." I am so lucky to have had Mark in my life. I'm so lucky to have my four amazing children. I'm so lucky to have an incredible family, both mine and Mark's. I'm so lucky to have awesome friends, neighbors and ward members. I feel so unworthy at times for the blessings I have been given in this lifetime.
I love you all.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I'm sorry - I've been busy and yet not busy.

I know that doesn't make sense, but it's truly the way I feel. It seems like I'm going a hundred miles an hour, but not getting anything done. This is going to be short, because as you can see it is very late. I really need to get to bed, but if I don't do this tonight I won't get to it for days.

Things are still up and down - emotionally that is. I really do feel good in general. We are doing normal everyday things and keeping busy doing them. We are pulling together as a family and that is a very good thing. There are definitely more sad times than I was having before.

By the way - just so you know- IT'S FREEZING here in Utah and SNOWING again! I could so move to a warmer climate. I've had it with the cold, icy, dreary and gloomy days. They don't really help lift the spirit.

The older 3 and I are heading to Disneyland tomorrow. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. The night after the last post (Valentine's Day,) I took the kids to a BYU Basketball game. I wasn't thinking that it would be a hard thing. I was just planning on fun with the kids. I cried. The tears just flowed as I thought about not only all the great times I had spent with Mark watching the Coug's play, but how much he LOVED it. I could picture him getting all excited about a good play or yelling if he thought the ref made a bad call. So that experience at the ball game makes me think Disneyland is going to be very nostalgic. I'm prepared and it's okay. The kids and I need to make some good memories together still and I think they really need it. OK - I just want an excuse to go.

I'd love to thank the person personally who made a makeshift plaque at Mark's grave until I get the headstone finished. I thought it was someone in the family, but we've asked around and no one knows who did it. Please be patient with me on Thank You cards. I want to send them, but the task has seemed overwhelming sometimes. I'm getting closer to feeling like I can tackle the job without the emotions being too hard. I still thank my Father in Heaven daily for all everyone has done for us.