Friday, May 18, 2007

Happy 18th Anniversary

The album is finished. I don't finish too many things in my life, especially relating to crafts. I'm a very good starter, but not so good on the finish part. Needless to say, I'm proud of myself for finishing this book. I will share it with you page by page. Today you get to see the cover, title page and introduction. The introduction explains the album. I hope some of you may see this as a way to help you with your grief and to remember those little things before the memories fade.

I remember the day we got married. It was so beautiful. Not too hot, but it was a little windy. We had a few pictures with hair (Mark's) and dress (mine) flying away. I wasn't nervous. I didn't have second thoughts. Do people really have second thoughts? That was the happiest day of my life. I married my true love who became my best friend. He made me a better person. He made me whole. Even though I feel lonely now, he still makes me whole. I'm so grateful for that.

I changed my mind. The scans and digi pics I tried didn't work quite the way I wanted. I'm going to have to ask Rick to help me, but I think I'll try to just put the whole thing on here so you can look at the entire album at once. Here's the cover and finally here are some pics of the kids and me. Patrick went to his Junior Prom on April 28th. The one of Chase and Lucas and the one of me and Tess are from Mother's Day.

Friday, May 11, 2007

So many things to say, but not enough time to type.

I never fully appreciated all that Mark did. Before he was gone, I took care of so many of the same things I'm responsible for now. But when you add what Mark did (not counting work, which was such a sacrifice,) with all the decision making, it feels insurmountable. My brain feels like the commercial with eggs in a HOT frying pain - "This is your brain on drugs." I couldn't have imagined life being this difficult and busy. I've discovered that I'm a very indecisive person. I think I must have driven Mark crazy with all of my silly questions about what to do for every little this and that in my life.

I feel like I need to catch up on the last month, but in many ways I just want to move forward. Yet, in many ways, I just want to curl up and hide away.

Every day I think, "I need to post something today." And every day, I think, "what do I have to say?" I know people are still checking. They tell me, but I keep wondering why? Now I'm just a single mother going crazy to raise 4 children strong in the gospel. That's the same thing everyone else is doing. Even those who may not be my same religion are still just trying to raise their children to be honest, make wise choices and have love for one another. So, what do I have to say that anyone wants to hear?

I'm not hugely private, as evidenced here, but I think I'm proud. Not necessarily in a bad way "proud" just in a private way "proud." Does that make sense? "How are you doing?" That's the question of the hour. It's not a bad question. What other question is there? The answer of the hour - "I'm fine." What else is there to say? My husband is gone. My life starts all over, but not fresh. It's not like a clean brand new baby starting over. It starts right here, right now with everything in life exactly how it was, but without Mark. I need time. My kids need time. However, time doesn't stand still while we heal. It moves furiously fast forward. We are supposed to heal and keep living all at the same time. How is that supposed to work?

Every day, a thousand times in that day, I am aware of the cruel reality of what I face. Every day holds different emotions in this reality. Some days I'm strong. Some days I'm angry. Some days I ache to the depths of my soul. The sad thing is...all of this doesn't just come from losing Mark. Life is not fair. We knew it wouldn't be, and yet we still signed up eagerly. Even though I can't remember, I have faith that we knew without a doubt that it would be worth it. All of this mortal life would be worth it. So with the faith that it would be worth it, I keep going. I swear I don't know how sometimes, but I keep going. It's not pretty, but I'm not giving up. No matter what I have to face, I'm not losing faith. I know my worth in my Heavenly Father's eyes. I have a lot of work to do. I may not know what exactly but...

"Thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this." Esther 4:14

May our Father in Heaven bless all of you sweet people that are running both physically and in their hearts in memory of Mark. It is just one more way that I see the pure love of God in the world today.