Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Blustery Day (1-8-2008)

It has been blowing so hard all day today. Literally as I sit here, some of the gusts are so strong I've been praying that the windows hold. It's probably not as bad as it sounds, but it sounds bad. It's nights like this when I really wish I could curl up in bed with Mark's arms around me and just feel safe. I took way to many things for granted. We all do. It's human nature. I don't say these things to make anyone else feel guilty, but if I can make someone stop and appreciate one little thing about their spouse today then that's awesome. I'm not beating myself up for the things I did take for granted. I'm not feeling bad about what I didn't appreciate enough, because I know I was doing the best I could at the time. I'm always going to work harder at being a better person. Just in case I didn't write this down before, I'm going to get it on paper now. Not long after Mark died I was filled with regret about all the things I should have or could have done more for Mark. It had become so tense during the last month or so and my patience was thin. Did he know that I loved him with my entire soul? I went to the temple with the specific prayer that I would feel peace that I had done my best to care for Mark and that I would know that Mark knew of my complete love for him. I most definitely felt my prayer was answered and I was filled with peace. I needed to put this down permanently for myself. There have been times and will probably always be times that doubt and regret will creep back in. Being able to read what happened that day will help me to wipe those thoughts away. Sometimes when I'm thinking this way or writing about stuff like this, I picture Mark just laughing at me. He would think I'm funny for still being so insecure. I love him so much. I love you Mark!

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