Wednesday, January 02, 2008

A good day - considering (1-2-2008)

Considering the fact that I went to sleep so late, and then had a horribly restless night of sleep, it was a good day. The funny thing is my house is still full of Christmas. The clutter is still there, despite recycling and throwing lots of stuff. The piles of laundry are almost all gone. Even though by outward appearance it doesn't look like I did ANYTHING today, I am feeling good. I got started and I can just do more tomorrow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLEY
It was Kelley's birthday today. She is so awesome. We resolved to scrapbook more this year.

Tonight while Chase was at Mutual, Tess and I happened onto a funny show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding." It was pretty fun. I was telling Tessa about my wedding. How fun it is to have a day when you really are a PRINCESS marrying your handsome PRINCE. It was the greatest day of my life. I realized that I do still remember some amazing details when I start talking about the day. I was so happy and excited to be starting this new life with the sweetest, most gorgeous man. We had all our family and friends to celebrate with us. The hardest part is when I think about this kind of stuff, I'm so grateful that we had the life we had, but what I wouldn't give just to hear him say "I love you so much" or put his arms around me and pull me close for a dance. This May would have been 19 years. It's strange to base life on what "it would have been" or on "how long he's been gone," but that's what happens. How can it be almost a year?

The monitor in Lucas' room is picking up the sound of him sucking on his "Binka." I thought he just couldn't say "Bink' ee," but then I realized that I've been calling it "Binkus" for a long time. He's very attached to it. It's not going to be an easy break, but I'm not going to worry about it just yet. It brings him joy and it definitely helps bring peace when he's grumpy. He's not ever really grumpy. He is so much fun. I've said it before, but I so believe that Mark was divinely inspired when he said we would regret not having "one" more. I thought it was crazy. It even seemed crazier when we found out right before Lucas was born that Mark had cancer. I remember thinking it just wasn't right. In fact there were times when I thought that there just had to be a miracle for Mark. God wouldn't prompt Mark to have another baby and then take Mark away. How could God not let Mark be here to watch his new son grow up, or leave me to raise four kids. I don't remember when exactly I realized that maybe that was exactly why God sent Lucas. Lucas was exactly what I needed and what his brothers and sister needed.

The hardest part about journaling is that my mind is racing with all kinds of things I want to write about and remember, but I can't stay up for hours every night trying to get it all down. Maybe that was the problem with my sleeping last night. My mind was churning so much from thinking, that it couldn't stop for another couple of hours. I might have to write in the mornings. I'll test out my theory tonight. Until the next time.

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home