Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Journaling takes a lot of time and energy (1-15-08)

today is my brother's birthday. I wish I could have have given him an in person hug. He's so great. I love him and wish he lived closer. Here's a HUG across the web big brother. Love ya.

Second, my intentions of journaling every night have gone awry. By the time I get everyone in bed and do some picking up. It's already late enough that if I sit down to journal I'm going to get to bed late. I'm going to bed much earlier than I was about 3-4 months ago, but I'm still feeling so tired during the day. I've been exercising long enough now that I wouldn't think that would make me tired still. I don't know what's going on, but it's frustrating.

Third, today was a little difficult. I went to a funeral today. I didn't know this wonderful lady, but I know both of her sons and their families. I wasn't surprised to hear how amazing she was, because you can see her in her sons. She died from another very aggressive form of cancer. As I was getting ready to go. I realized that I was putting on some of the same clothes I wore just over a year ago for Mark's funeral. I don't think I allow myself to go there in my thoughts very often. It was strange as I thought about how I was feeling that day, and my heart was so heavy. I felt so much empathy for this man who had lost his sweetheart of 45 years, but also jealous that he had twice the time that I had. Don't get me wrong. I'm so happy they had all that time together. I just wish I could have had that much time with Mark. The other day I had a dear friend over for lunch for her birthday. I related to her the events that took place the last week of Mark's life. There were so many details that I couldn't remember. I never wrote it down. I wish I had. I almost feel like I've been living in some state of denial that is just now lifting. I'm a little numb this week.

Fourth, Tessa turns 9 on Friday. She is so excited. Tonight she is beyond elated. One of our neighbors has 8 baby dwarf hamsters. I told Tess she could have one, and we went and got all the STUFF tonight and got it all set up. We'll go pick one out tomorrow. She's already named it Princess. She must have hugged me a thousand times. Since I know we can't have a dog or a cat, this is the next best thing. We've tried fish, frogs and snakes, so this was the inevitable evolution. I just remembered a strange dream I had last night about going to Hogle Zoo. Where in the world did that come from?

Fifth, I have a "to-do" in my planner for tomorrow that I've put off for nearly a year. Remember my scrapbook titled "Miss You" about Mark that I promised to share? Well I made a goal to put it on here tomorrow. I figured I'll be more accountable to really do it if I write it down tonight.

Signing off - Hugs!

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