Saturday, January 05, 2008

Sick (1-5-2008)

Thursday night I decided to skip the journaling to try and get to sleep early enough to wake up Friday morning and start exercising again. Friday I wasn't feeling good and this morning it was worse. I'm feeling pretty good right now, but I can tell that some kind of bug is back. I felt I was just getting better after the cold that hit right before I left for Montana. Go figure.

Speaking of Montana, the kids and I went to spend Christmas with Patrick. We rented an awesome condo at the ski resort at Big Mountain near Whitefish. It was so cozy and fun. The kids hadn't seen Patrick since September. They were so excited to see him and spend time with him. Since we had a kitchen, we made some of our favorite foods. We even made our traditional Christmas morning egg casserole and sticky buns. It was a great to be all together. Patrick is doing well. He is working hard and making huge progress. I'm very proud of him.

There are so many things I want to remember that I find it hard to know what to put down. It's also more time consuming to write something that is going to be read in real time. I know in some of my old private journals I've probably written some things that I don't want anyone to read. Hmmm maybe I'd better go back and check? The perfectionist side of me doesn't help either. I type and retype a sentence trying to get it just right = perfect. I know it's MY FAULT in life. I'm working on that too, but it's who I am, so I just keep trying to do a little better every day.

I'm so blessed by FRIENDS. It's overwhelming as I sit here and try to put down on paper how amazingly lucky I feel to have the friends I do. I am lucky to have friends from this blog. Some I know and some I might not. I'm lucky for all of the friends from high school and college that are such a huge part of my life. All of our friends from Stanford, Holladay, Sugar House and now Draper. All of our friends from Mark's mission and all of the people Mark worked with. I know I was a lucky woman to have Mark, when I look at all of our friends. WOW! It is truly awesome. I am so blessed to have all of these people in my life. Seriously! I honestly feel like the luckiest person in the world right this minute. I wish I could see, hug and tell each one of the people I've been picturing in my head, "Thank you, I love you, I'm so grateful to call you friend."

I wanted to thank the "friend" who posted in the guestbook, "You and the kids are a part of Mark and a connection that allows us to continue to feel him in our lives every time we read your thoughts and feelings ." It's true, and I realize that you all miss him so much too. I have been so caught up in how much I miss him that I forget how much everyone else misses him. I'm sad for all of us. This month is bringing up things that I think I've been repressing. I'm seeing something every day that is triggering thoughts and memories. Mark's been in a lot of my dreams. The one thing I want to do more than anything is put my arms around him or simply to feel his hand around mine. I've been wishing I had held his hand every chance I had. I wish I could hear his voice. I wish I could look at his beautiful face. I wish I could have been happier, because I was so lucky. I wish I'd said "I love you" more. Wishing doesn't make it happen, but I wish it just the same. I was lucky. I was loved completely and I loved completely. I am one lucky girl.

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