Wednesday, March 05, 2008


Don't panic - I don't mean physically. I think I needed a new start with blogging. I needed to get creative. So many people are doing there own blogs and I just wanted to join in.

So an INFINITY OF THANKS to my brother-in-law who started this blog in October 2005; what a livesaver and blessing. I am not planning on removing this site if I don't need. The story will remain for those who need it, but I am starting fresh.

Please join us at I've already been posting as I was working creatively trying to design our new page. I hope you will continue as I reminisce about my past, experience today and look forward to a more bearable tomorrow.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Quick Note (2-22-2008)

I'm so sorry for the posts in the guestbook from spammers. They make me so mad. I'd like to make this site private, but that would be hard. People would only be able to see it if I invited them.

I've got a lot to catch up on for my journaling since the last entry, so hopefully I can do that soon.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Scrapbook (1-19-2008) One Year - how can it be?

I had two very bad days. Major pity party for myself. So I just couldn't bring myself to scan and edit to post the album. Even though today has been hard, I just had to put this on today.

These feelings haven't diminished. I still miss him as much today as a year ago, and probably even more.

If you click on each page, it should enlarge the view so you can read it. I didn't know another way to do it, so I hope it works.

We went out last night for TESSA'S BIRTHDAY
and had a wonderful time. Today we went to Chase's basketball game then out to lunch with Grandpa Ray. We drove down to the cemetery and then spent some time with Grandma Mary. Patrick told me that he would be in a basketball tournament today. He said he would be wearing #10 for his dad. His team and friends were all going to be there to support him today, so I hope it went okay for him. He was definitely in our thoughts today as well.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sorry - not as planned (1-16-2008)

I had three goals to accomplish today. (1) Pay bills and take care of paperwork on desk, (2) Scan album and post on blog site, and (3) Get Valentine decorations up so we have time to enjoy them.

I was lucky to get #1 90% finished. It amazes me how fast a day goes when you've got tons to do and you're working like crazy. Yet when you don't have much to do and you're just taking it easy, the day seems to stretch on forever. Okay, so maybe that makes sense, but it's still frustrating. I just wanted to do that today.


That's my Internet version of a primal yell. I feel better. Tomorrow's a new day!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Journaling takes a lot of time and energy (1-15-08)

today is my brother's birthday. I wish I could have have given him an in person hug. He's so great. I love him and wish he lived closer. Here's a HUG across the web big brother. Love ya.

Second, my intentions of journaling every night have gone awry. By the time I get everyone in bed and do some picking up. It's already late enough that if I sit down to journal I'm going to get to bed late. I'm going to bed much earlier than I was about 3-4 months ago, but I'm still feeling so tired during the day. I've been exercising long enough now that I wouldn't think that would make me tired still. I don't know what's going on, but it's frustrating.

Third, today was a little difficult. I went to a funeral today. I didn't know this wonderful lady, but I know both of her sons and their families. I wasn't surprised to hear how amazing she was, because you can see her in her sons. She died from another very aggressive form of cancer. As I was getting ready to go. I realized that I was putting on some of the same clothes I wore just over a year ago for Mark's funeral. I don't think I allow myself to go there in my thoughts very often. It was strange as I thought about how I was feeling that day, and my heart was so heavy. I felt so much empathy for this man who had lost his sweetheart of 45 years, but also jealous that he had twice the time that I had. Don't get me wrong. I'm so happy they had all that time together. I just wish I could have had that much time with Mark. The other day I had a dear friend over for lunch for her birthday. I related to her the events that took place the last week of Mark's life. There were so many details that I couldn't remember. I never wrote it down. I wish I had. I almost feel like I've been living in some state of denial that is just now lifting. I'm a little numb this week.

Fourth, Tessa turns 9 on Friday. She is so excited. Tonight she is beyond elated. One of our neighbors has 8 baby dwarf hamsters. I told Tess she could have one, and we went and got all the STUFF tonight and got it all set up. We'll go pick one out tomorrow. She's already named it Princess. She must have hugged me a thousand times. Since I know we can't have a dog or a cat, this is the next best thing. We've tried fish, frogs and snakes, so this was the inevitable evolution. I just remembered a strange dream I had last night about going to Hogle Zoo. Where in the world did that come from?

Fifth, I have a "to-do" in my planner for tomorrow that I've put off for nearly a year. Remember my scrapbook titled "Miss You" about Mark that I promised to share? Well I made a goal to put it on here tomorrow. I figured I'll be more accountable to really do it if I write it down tonight.

Signing off - Hugs!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Ouch! (1-9-2008)

Yesterday, Kristie and I worked our legs at the gym super hard. So hard that because I hadn't eaten enough carbs and protein before hand, I nearly passed out. It was super embarrassing. So today we went to this class I love called "Nia." I can't really describe it, but I love it. However, she had a super intense cardio class today with lunges, kicks, and I am so sore I can hardly move. I thought I was getting in better shape, but clearly I have a long way to go. I did go though, and that's better than not doing anything.

I think I'll stop there for tonight. Hugs.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Blustery Day (1-8-2008)

It has been blowing so hard all day today. Literally as I sit here, some of the gusts are so strong I've been praying that the windows hold. It's probably not as bad as it sounds, but it sounds bad. It's nights like this when I really wish I could curl up in bed with Mark's arms around me and just feel safe. I took way to many things for granted. We all do. It's human nature. I don't say these things to make anyone else feel guilty, but if I can make someone stop and appreciate one little thing about their spouse today then that's awesome. I'm not beating myself up for the things I did take for granted. I'm not feeling bad about what I didn't appreciate enough, because I know I was doing the best I could at the time. I'm always going to work harder at being a better person. Just in case I didn't write this down before, I'm going to get it on paper now. Not long after Mark died I was filled with regret about all the things I should have or could have done more for Mark. It had become so tense during the last month or so and my patience was thin. Did he know that I loved him with my entire soul? I went to the temple with the specific prayer that I would feel peace that I had done my best to care for Mark and that I would know that Mark knew of my complete love for him. I most definitely felt my prayer was answered and I was filled with peace. I needed to put this down permanently for myself. There have been times and will probably always be times that doubt and regret will creep back in. Being able to read what happened that day will help me to wipe those thoughts away. Sometimes when I'm thinking this way or writing about stuff like this, I picture Mark just laughing at me. He would think I'm funny for still being so insecure. I love him so much. I love you Mark!